Writing workshop: Play Date with Bianca

Draft

I have a play date at Bianca's house. And first we did drawing.

Bianca and me use all the papers that her mom gave us.

Me and Bianca were eating lunch and we have a pasta cheese and water, broccoli with cheese. It was really a cheesy snack.

And then we go out to the swimming pool and then Bianca's mom blow up the swimming pool and fill it with water.

 First, when we got in the pool, Bianca's mom turn on the sprinkler and it was a colorful toy sprinkler. Then the sprinkler didn't work so we have to use different sprinkler. And the sprinkler is springing around and it's much better sprinkler. Then we got into the pool and put the sprinkler in the pool, it is movable sprinkler.

When we got into the pool, there are black and yellow stripe bugs in the pool and Bianca said they are a lot in her backyard.

Then Bianca and I tried to get the bugs out. Then when the pool was filled, we jump into the pool, it was so splashy.  The pool is blue. Then we had a splashing fight. We try to catch water from the sprinkler to add to the the pool, I put the sprinkler in the pool.


Reorganizing and editing (Add more detail, delete the not important details, Use "show but not tell", use "5 senses", focus on the main thing)

I have had a play date at Bianca's house.

And First we drew did drawing.And then we got into the pool. The pool is was  light sky blue. It looked like an enormous cup. that's  It was short and made up with  of three blue round floaties piled up on top of each other and.  The bottom was so slippery that me and Bianca and I both slipped (more details added). Bianca's mom took the hose and filled the swimming pool, then she turned on the colorful toy sprinkler. Then the sprinkler didn't work so we have to use a different sprinkler. The new sprinkler was turning around and it was a much better sprinkler. (This is nothing related to the "fun", can be deleted)

Me and Bianca were eating lunch and we have a cheesy pasta and water, broccoli with cheese.  It was really a cheesy snack.
Then we got into the pool again, I noticed there are were black and yellow striped bugs in the pool. Bianca said there are were lots in her backyard.Then Bianca and I tried to get the bugs out,. The bugs made us jump. Then When the pool was filled, we jumped into the pool,. The water splashed all on our faces and dripped down. Bianca's curly hair became straighter and droopy.

It was so splashyThen We had a splashing fight we kicked splashed the water to on each other and we both giggled and laughed so hard that we could barely make sounds ! and made waves. We try to catch water from the sprinkler to add to the the pool,then I had an ideal I put the sprinkler in the pool! 

When I was about to leave, Bianca's big smile disappeared and turned to a big frown, she reluctantly hugged me good bye.

This is What Final look like: 

I  had a play date at Bianca's house.

First we drew then we got into the pool. The pool was light sky blue. It looked like an enormous cup.  It was short and made up of three blue round floaties piled up on top of each other. The bottom was so slippery that Bianca and I both slipped . Bianca's mom took the hose and filled the swimming pool, then she turned on the colorful toy sprinkler.

I noticed there were black and yellow striped bugs in the pool. Bianca said there were lots in her backyard. Bianca and I tried to get the bugs out. The bugs made us jump. When the pool was filled, we jumped into the pool. The water splashed on our faces and dripped down. Bianca's curly hair became straight and droopy.

We splashed the water on each other and we both giggled and laughed so hard that we could barely make sounds !

When I was about to leave, Bianca's big smile disappeared and turned to a big frown, she reluctantly hugged me good bye.